blueeyesamazeme (blueeyesamazeme) wrote in viva_la_slash,

Dear Ryan... Love Bam

Title: Dear Ryan... Love Bam
Author: blueeyesamazeme
Rating: PG - 13
Pairing: Ryan Dunn/Bam Margera
POV: Bam
Summary: A letter from Bam to Ryan in heaven.
Warnings: a few f-bombs mentions of a deceased character
Disclaimer: I don't own Jackass. They belong to themselves
Author Notes: This is a little sad... I cried writing it. If it's too soon I am very sorry but I wrote this as part of my health process... So yeah.

Dear Ryan,
Well… how do I even start? There are so many things that I need to say to you that I never really could say. I guess I’ll just start from the beginning. I love you man, so fucking much it hurts. It hurts even more to know that you’re gone. I never even got to tell you exactly how much you really meant to me – what you still mean to me. We never talked about that sappy stuff, we always say we’re to ‘manly’ for it, but I love you even more than you could ever imagine. More than I ever thought I could love another person. You’re my brother, you’re my best friend, you’re my life. God I wish it was me in that car instead of you, you were so perfect and I can’t believe that they had to take you, oh what a bond god broke when he took you away. I know if you were here with me, watching me write this letter you would tell me how silly it is that I wish it was me, not you… but Ryan; I would do anything for you, I would die for you.

Ever since I met you, all those years ago, I have known that you’re the most important person in my life, you still are. Every time I think of you I start to cry. Ryan, I hate crying, I hate it so much. It makes me hate you for actually doing this to me, bringing all these unwanted emotions out of me, but then I remember just how much I love you. I try block all these painful thoughts and images out of my mind, but it won’t go away. The sight of your car; just mangled pieces of metal. I imagine you flying off the road and you turning to Zach to say you’re sorry before you died, because that’s the kind of guy you were, you put everyone before yourself. Your heart was so full of love. You were one of a kind buddy, with that dirty beard of yours that made you look like a scary grizzly man, we knew much better than to think that of you though. You were the sweetest guy, so full of talent. You had lived your life to the fullest, you were so happy with your life and with Angie, I know you would have died with a smile on your face but it still hurts to think about.

Of all the things in the world to take you away, it was a car crash. You loved your cars. You drove a little fast in them and scared the shit out of us, but you were always careful. I can’t believe after all the crazy shit we have done in our lives a stupid fucking car crash could take you. I thought we were invincible, obviously I was wrong. We were a team Ry, one of the best motherfucking teams in the world. I guess we’ll always be a team, just as long as you don’t find a new partner in crime up in heaven buddy because it won’t be long until I join you up there, just save us a spot.

I still have trouble accepting that you’re actually gone. I can’t really believe it. I keep hoping that you’re going to show up at The Note and drink with us. Make us all laugh just like you used to, we’ll all get wasted and go do some stupid shit that we’ll definitely regret in the morning, because that’s how life was for us. Just one heck of an awesome party. I dream about you Ry, and all our memories together. Back in the CKY and Jackass days when we were just kids without a care in the world. You even stuck with me to do Viva La Bam too. You were my best friend, who helped me through all my pain and suffering, all my depressions. It’s going to take a lot of time to get used to you not being around to cheer everyone up. All I have left of you is nineteen years of memories, Ry, they’re what keep me going. I miss you so much, you truly were a Random Hero.

Love Bam.

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